Birthday Eve

And now for a little self-indulgent wallowing…

I rarely check in on this blog anymore. I almost never remember that it exists. But tomorrow I turn 28, and, in keeping with tradition, with fall comes a nostalgic feeling, paired with a deep and unyielding desire for change.

I’ve been living in Chicago for almost 3 months now. Things are somewhat different, and yet, I’m not different at all. I still have the ever-present feeling that this isn’t my real life, and so I spend my days waiting for that elusive “next chapter” to begin. Like one morning I’ll wake up, turn the page, and suddenly the real action of the story of my life will begin. As though it’s lurking out there somewhere, but I can’t quite see it yet.

For the past few years, around the time of my birthday, I’ve booked some sort of travel to celebrate. This year, I looked at tickets and researched destinations and made plans and brainstormed and…nothing. My boyfriend can’t (won’t?) travel with me, and that’s eating away at me. I feel like a lot of things are eating away at me. (Melodramatic much?)

As a result, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about a past relationship, and what other relationships my future might hold. That doesn’t seem to bode well. I’ve tried to be conscious of how much time I spend dwelling on the past instead of building out my future, but sometimes reflection helps you get to where you need to be. On the one hand, I know I’ve romanticized some aspects of this particular past relationship, but on the other, I’m certain that parts of it were more in line with what I want for myself, and in a partnership, than what I currently have.

I looked into grad school again, which I realize now is a recurring event in my life. But I’m hesitant to enroll, because I’m not sure how long I’ll be here. I haven’t mentioned any of this to anyone. And instead of talking to someone real about this, I choose to share it on the internet.

Now to balance out the histrionics: I’m healthy, I’m alive, I have a decent job that pays me well and that allowed me to move halfway across the country. I can afford the things that I need, and the things that I don’t. I have a supportive family that loves me. Several years ago, 28 would have seemed incredibly old to me. Now I feel like I still have plenty of time left.

I just wish I could figure things out faster, and get to where I’m supposed to be!

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