WHY has this season of The Bachelorette been so terrible?? I’ve never been so disappointed in this show before. I never liked Desiree on Sean’s season, and she’s been boring as the Bachelorette.
Anyway, after week 4, which I wrote off as the worst episode ever (and chose not to blog about), last night was week 5, which was another horrible one! Since it seems that it’s just a bad season, I’ll continue on with the recaps, knowing that this is the best I’m going to get.
As a reminder, the remaining men on my “fantasy Bachelor” team going into week 4 were:
Zak W., and
To briefly re-hash week 4/the worst episode ever…
Brad (the single father who had previously told an incredibly sketchy story in which he was slapped with a restraining order keeping him away from the mother of his child) went on a date with Des, during which they played games on the boardwalk of Atlantic City in the off-season, so it was freezing and deserted. It was awkward to watch, as they never made eye contact and he flat-out avoided answering some of her questions. Then they went to a lighthouse for dinner, where there was more awkward conversation in between long spells of silence. They walked up to the top of the lighthouse, where, promptly upon reaching the top, Des said “sorry, but no” to Brad. Phew. She really dodged a bullet there.
At least ABC threw us viewers a bone here, as the guys competed on the Bachelorette’s first-ever Mr. America pageant. It was actually pretty entertaining and one of the better group dates of the season. The guys pulled together some random talents, were asked questions, and modeled in their bathing suits. I think Kasey got the rose, for reasons unknown. I don’t really remember anything noteworthy happening at the after-party. Wait, yes I do: Chris revealed that he writes poetry. When he told Des this, I’m pretty sure she thought he was joking, because she laughed in his face. He read her a poem while I squirmed uncomfortably. Then Zak W played her a song on his guitar and sang along. Des should have gotten a rose for the valor she showed in sitting through these two uncomfortable performances.
After the horrible first one-on-one and the pretty good group date, the last date of the night could have gone either way. Unfortunately, it was awful. James and Des took a helicopter tour of the devastation wrought by Hurricane Sandy. A woman from the Red Cross narrated everything they were seeing, and it was just about the least romantic date activity I think anyone could ever have dreamed up. (I know it’s horrible of me to say this, but it seriously wasn’t what anyone who watches this show hopes to see.) James and Des met with an old couple whose home was demolished by the hurricane, and they decided to give up their date to the couple and to go eat spaghetti in a local restaurant instead. James confessed to cheating on his girlfriend of 5 and a half years during his freshman year of college, and Des said that it worried her. (I couldn’t focus on anything besides that he started dating this girl during 8th grade, yet still called it a “5-and-a-half-year relationship.”) They were boring, James is still a meathead, and it felt like hours went by before this never-ending date finally ended. She gave him a rose, and no one knows why.
Rose Ceremony. I honestly can’t even remember at this point who got sent home last week. It was probably one of the few remaining lurkers who hadn’t had any on-screen time. [Updated to add: it was the other Zach. I don’t remember anything interesting about him.]
That brings us to week 5, when Des and crew arrived in Munich, Germany. (I went to Munich when I studied abroad, and I hated every second of it. She should have chosen literally anywhere else for this week.)
Chris got the only one-on-one date of the night, which led me to believe that plane tickets to Munich back in April must have been incredibly expensive and left ABC with zero money in the budget for an actual date activity. They spent the day walking through the streets, dancing horribly as tourists looked on, and then, finally, entering a brewhouse (but not the Hofbrauhaus, because I’ve been there) for beer and pretzels.
As they were on their date, the rest of the guys were sitting in the same room back in the hotel, talking about Des. It’s always a bad idea when contestants on the show engage in this behavior. I have to wonder whether they’re not allowed to bring books or to spend time alone while they’re there. This is where I realize that I forgot to mention that the drama at the rose ceremony last week occurred when Bryden told Des that he didn’t think his feelings were “quite where they should be,” and she asked him to “trust the process” and stay. I guess he really wanted to fly to Germany on ABC’s dime, because this literally couldn’t have been more than 48 hours later, and he decided to go home. So he went searching for Chris and Des in the streets of Germany, pulled her aside, and told her he was leaving. All in all, it was anticlimactic (particularly because the preview at the beginning of the episode led us to believe that there would be a fist fight at some point during the episode. It also showed Des making out with Drew, which also, sadly, didn’t happen.).
Later that night, Chris and Des had dinner–probably in a castle, although I don’t remember for sure–and he read her ANOTHER poem. I cringed the whole time and wanted to die of discomfort, but the other girls I was watching with actually seemed to like it. I guess Des did, too, because he got a rose. Chris seems to be really nice, and much more attractive than his headshot and his initial few weeks of footage led us to believe. My guess is he’ll make it to the top two. I also think that if he doesn’t win this season, he might be a good pick for next season’s Bachelor.
The Group Date.
The group date consisted of the group bundling up and heading up the tallest mountain…in Germany? In the Alps? In the world? I didn’t quite catch the clarifier. It was snowy and freezing, and they got to meet a real-live German yodeler and then ride strange-looking plastic sleds down the mountain before retiring to a snow fort to hang out.
The highlights were:
- she made out with Brooks some more, after we hadn’t really seen him do much in a few weeks;
- she made out with James, and we all wanted to vomit;
- Zak revealed that he had climbed possibly that very same mountain 10 years ago, when he was on a soul-searching mission because he wanted to become a priest. (Probably the weirdest confession of the night, seeing as it came from the guy who was naked in his introductory video and then arrived shirtless on night one.);
- the guys started to reveal that they don’t like/don’t trust James, and that they feel that he’s there “for the wrong reasons.”
Brooks got the rose on the date.
This week brought the very first of the dreaded two-on-one dates. I’ve said before that the editing this season seems to be a little off, as the guys have been consistently complaining about Ben and his lies, and his intentions to promote his business, yet none of the camera crew managed to capture any of this in the act. It’s been a bit confusing and has led to many people not being sure how they feel about Ben. Michael G has been the loudest in his dissent with Ben, so naturally, these two were chosen for this date.
The date activity was a “hot tug,” which was a tugboat/hot tub in a German lake in the very early spring. It was literally a very heated situation, and it quickly got worse. Michael, the federal prosecutor, tore into Ben in ways that were inappropriate, immature, and uncomfortable, questioning his religious faith and his parenting abilities. Michael came across as a huge bully, as Ben either politely defended himself or just chose not to respond in most cases.
The attacks continued as the date turned to dinner. Instead of engaging Des in any kind of conversation, Michael continued to tear into Ben, to the point that both Ben and Desiree completely stopped speaking, and Ben got up and left the building. It was really awful to watch Michael treat both of them so poorly and seem to have no idea he was acting inappropriately, and it was really confusing because as an audience, we really haven’t seen any of this supposed ‘horrible’ behavior from Ben. If I had been Ben, I would have been yelling back at Michael, and maybe even physically fighting with him. There was no question at my viewing party that Des would be sending them both home, but in the most surprising act of the season, Des gave Michael the rose and sent Ben home. We were so surprised by this that we talked over the show for the next 5 or so minutes, so I didn’t get to hear any of Ben’s exit interview or Michael or Des’ thoughts about what had happened. But there’s no question to me now that I was right when I said she would make a horrible Bachelorette.
The post-Ben drama centered on James, as Drew and Kasey both claim that they heard him bragging that if he makes it to the top 4, he’ll be a shoo-in for the next Bachelor. (To this I say: has he looked in a mirror? Gross. No one wants to watch that meathead paw at 25 different girls for 10 weeks.) Drew, Kasey, and the other guys planned to spring this news on Des during the cocktail party, but then she showed up and declared that there wouldn’t be one of those this week. Naturally, instead of doing the right thing and asking to speak with her anyway, they all bit their tongues and watched as James received another rose. Mikey T (aka the other outcast from the Jersey Shore, and one of my 3 remaining players) was sent home.
From the looks of it, the fist-fight and the confrontation we saw in the preview for this week won’t actually happen until next week. Bummer. Hopefully James will get sent home, because he’s gross, and maybe Juan Pablo will shine in a Spanish-speaking country! Here’s hoping.