LDR

Paul and I have been together for a year and two months. During that time, we’ve lived in the same city and have probably gone 7 days at most without seeing one another. Those times were holiday breaks or family vacations. We’ve been fortunate.

We’re both starting new jobs on November 26. Mine is in Charlottesville; his is in Farmville. It’s only an hour and a half drive, which is nothing compared to some distances, but it seems like too much to me. It’s far enough that we won’t be able to make the round-trip drive every night (or even any weeknight, realistically), which means that our visits will be relegated to weekends only.

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship before, and I’m not keen on doing it again. It took so much out of me the first time. Back then, it was a 5-hour distance, and I was the one who made the trip nearly every weekend. It took a toll.

I’ve always been the type of person who has a hard time maintaining relationships. The downfall for me the first time was that I put all my time and energy into maintaining that relationship and as a result I let all my others completely fall to the wayside. I was at Virginia Tech, so during my last three semesters at school I lost touch with all of my friends there. Every single one. To this day, I’m only loosely in touch with one friend from college. This is not something I’m proud of–it’s highly embarrassing to me. It’s not a trend that’s unique to that part of my life, though: I live in the same town as my mother, her parents, and many of the people I was friends with in high school, and yet I only talk to my mom a few times in a few months, I see my grandparents on Christmas Eve, and I’ve lost touch completely with everyone from high school.

I’m terrified for our future.

Our relationship is such that I depend on seeing him every day. At the same time, I can see that that’s a problem. I should never have let myself end up in this position for a second time. (After my breakup with my first boyfriend, I found myself completely isolated–I had lost touch with all of my friends from both high school and college, and it felt for a while that I literally had nothing to live for.)

I know that I need to reach out to the few old friends I have in town, but I just can’t be bothered to make the effort. It’s always felt like work to spend time with anyone except for my significant other; I always view doing so as a chore that I have to get out of the way before I can get back to being alone or being with Paul.

We have to figure something out, and we have to figure it out fast.

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2 thoughts on “LDR

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